I Really LIKE Him

I love all my children. More than anything. Today I realized how much I really like my oldest son Ethan.

I think he went through a little thing after each of his brothers was born. It's completely understandable though; he was IT for six and a half years. All of a sudden, he was thrust into the role of big brother. He was good with it, I think, until the little things about having younger siblings surfaced. They get your parents attention, you have to become more independent, you have to share your bedroom, they get into your personal stuff. (We've all been there.)

But something has happened over the past few months. He has seemed to take an interest in his brothers. He will play with them and watch out for them if I have to go to the bathroom. He is truly becoming a Big Brother. I watch him with the little guys and see how much they are going to live and admire him as they grow older. Maybe even as adults, because he's that great. That. Would. Be. Awesome.

That aside, I've begun to really pay attention to him and see how special he is. He's smart; always has been. But I love his inquisitive brain and how it works. I love how he comes into Nash's room when I'm rocking him, getting him to sleep, and just talks. Spills out whatever thought or question is on his mind. Lately, it's computer stuff. Cool.

What I am loving so much today is his heart. He's always been kind and sweet, when he wants to be. It touches my heart how much he loves Aunt Shirley. How it breaks his heart and he quietly cries a little when we leave her house (just like I still do). How he tells me he misses her and wants to call her. (This is a big deal; he's not a phonophile. Again, like his mama.)

I am realizing how many little things we have in common. Unspoken things. Things I've seen in myself but never talk about. Even some of his facial features. Funny.

Ethan's always been a good boy whom I love unconditionally. I really LIKE him, too. I hope I never forget this feeling, and I hope he feels the same way.

What Will He Remember?

What will my sons remember about me? When will they start remembering?

Regardless of when or what they remember, good parenting of young kids means teaching them and caring for them and making them feel comforted, safe, and secure. But when will they have specific memories about me?

I know they won't remember the baths or diaper changes or rocking late at night. I know they won't remember the little things that make parenting wonderful. They won't remember the things that make parenting horrible either. They won't remember smiling at me the first time and making my heart melt. They won't remember crying and wailing inconsolably, making my heart break. They wont know how leaving them at daycare or school the first time ripped my soul in two. I know this, and that's okay.

I hope they remember I am their biggest fan. I will always be here for them. I love them more than literally anything in the world. I hope I teach them things they always carry with them. I hope they will become my biggest fan.

At some point, they will be preteens or teenagers and won't talk openly and freely to me. They won't speak what's on their mind, asking lots of questions. At some point, they won't hold my hand or snuggle or crawl in bed with us. They will need privacy. They will have secrets they don't share with me anymore.

I know this because it happened to me. It happens to everyone.

What makes me sad about this is what I remember (or don't remember) about my childhood. I don't remember holding my parents' hands or snuggling on their laps or chatting nonstop to them. I don't even remember hugs. But I know they happened. They had to, right? I'm healthy and well-adjusted. I'm independent. I have a good relationship with my parents nowadays.

I am scared my kids won't remember these things about me. Really scared.

When I was pregnant and then my kids were born, I thought a lot about my mom's own similar experiences. As bad as it sounds, I really didn't appreciate her and recognize her as a unique individual until then, when I was 29 years old.

And I don't have girls.

What will my boys remember about me?

All I can hope is that I document our lives well, better than I have up to now. All I can hope is that these are three good boys who grow into good men who are good husbands and great fathers. That's my purpose here really.

I love that. And I love them so.

Old and New (at the same time)



First the Old.

I had an overwhelming feeling about Zane (and all my kids) this weekend I wanted to share.  I feel like I've known him my whole life.  But he's only two and a half!  It's one of those feelings that he has always been a part of my life.  A part of my soul and very being.  A part of me.  And I guess he has always been there even though his little body hasn't been.  He was something I felt like was always missing until he was born.  I'll use this corny analogy -- he was a missing piece to the puzzle of my life. 

I felt such a compelling urge to have each one of my kids, even the one I lost to miscarriage in 2008.  I think that something felt empty and incomplete without them.  I still have an urge to have another baby, but I know that's not in the cards for me.  And that's ok.  Because I am enjoying being the mom to three awesome little boys, and I know I will get to meet another little soul one day.

Now the New.

Right now, I am happy learning new things about each boy each day.  I am trying to slow day enough to appreciate everything. 

• Zane's singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" out of the blue, anytime and anywhere.  I love his voice.  And he loves puzzles; he's a whiz at working them nowadays.  And he makes me feel so loved by giving me a big hug at the end of the work day. :)
• Ethan's obsession fascination and knowledge of technology.  And the fact he is such a sweet soul.  He is a caring big brother; his brothers will always look up to him.  He is growing up.  I am proud and sad at the same time.
• Nash.  Ahead of the curve with everything it seems!  (I wonder if it will always be like this with him?)  He is just barely ten months old, and he is walking.  Walking!  Just a few steps now, but he will be running before we know it.  And that smile.  He smiles with his whole face!  It is simply beautiful.



My Three Little Monsters Boyd's



Zane.  Loving his sunglasses at dinnertime.  With dinner on his little face :)

 

Our little meteorologist.  He actually WANTED to wear his tie to school!  His science project is great, and he looks so handsome.  What a great kid.



Nashie.  Plain and simple joy for me.  Love!!!

 


Quick As A Flash! But Sweet As Pie.

I have noticed I don't have many pictures of Zane.  My sweet little Zane.  His sweetness level has definitely seemed to grow or at least become more evident lately.  Sure, he and his dad and older brother seem to clash. But he and I have bonded more than ever over the past few months.  And he loves his little brother like crazy.  The two of them are always together, and I hope that's the way it will be all their lives.  (You have these hopes especially when you are an "older" parent.  I don't want either of them to be alone when Jason and I are gone.)

But this picture epitomizes Zane right now.  Quick as a flash, much quicker than my camera.  (Man, I need a new camera!)  And sweet.  Look how his little hand are crossed on his belly.  And you can see his face is in a little smile.

I could eat him up, I love him so!

*LOVE* This Little Man!

He is 8 months old now!

Look at that cute face!  Eyes as big and wide as ever!

And EV-E-RY-THING goes straight to the mouth.  He loves using those 8 teeth!

Scouting For Food 2011

This weekend was the annual Scouting for Food event in Hurricane.  We were at a birthday party last weekend, so we didn't get to distribute the bags.  But we made it out at 9 AM on Saturday to pick up, sort, and deliver the food to the Community Cupboard.

Not many kids showed up this year, but I think he was very beneficial for Ethan.  He, of course, had lots of questions about the food pantry:  where it is, who it is for, why people go there, where the food comes from.  These can be tough questions, but this was the perfect opportunity to talk about hunger and kindness and compassion and helping neighbors.

Collectively, we sorted and packed through 735 food items this year.  Things from lots of corn and beans and soup to cereal boxes to cake mixes.  The boys loved emptying and sorting the food!  It was like a contest to see who could get through the most cans!  It was great watching them.

Donations were down this year; all the more reason for us to give.  Like last year, we actually took the opportunity to let Ethan shop for the food pantry himself.  We gave him $20 to spend on his choice of food for donation.  

Jason and I thought it would be a good thing for us to do this once a month.  God knows there is need for food all year in our community, not just at the holidays.

This was a great activity for all the Scouts, but especially for Ethan and me :)

Origami Master He Wants To Be

Ethan's elementary school has a connection with the Japanese culture.  I think this is partly because the Toyota plant is in the nearby town of Eleanor, West Virginia.  A couple of years ago, a Japanese ambassador of sorts visited their school and showed the children some origami art.  They even learned to make little paper "cups."  Ethan loved it.  Since then, there have been little paper "cups" all over the house.  (I think he gets bored and just makes them out of stray pieces of paper lying around the house."

We bought this book "Origami Yoda" for him at the book fair last year (or was it two years ago?).  He made this cute little origami Yoda last night.  I HAD to take a quick pic of it!  (I love Yoda's happy smiling face!)

A Big Day for a Little Boyd!

Guess who is crawling now!

Me & My Boys at the YGG show (21 October 2011)

view full image